5w6d – because I just can’t think of anything else

I feel way more pregnant than I am.  I have hit the wonderful stage of bloating.  Like, I am smuggling things in my clothes, bloated.  I hate pants.  Plus, as if unimaginable bloating wasn’t bad enough, I still have all the other “fun” symptoms going on.  Nausea 24/7.  My boobs are killing me.  And I am starving, like all the time.


I was supposed to have my first doctors appointment today, with my new doctor.  But it didn’t happen.  Apparently, even though I gave them all my info when I made the appointment, they somehow missed the insurance info.  And, as it turns out, they don’t take my group (anymore).  So, I can either switch doctors, or switch groups.  And with my current group, there are no other doctors near me.  Minimum 30 minute drive – and I can’t drive (epilepsy), which means Jason has to take off work to take me to appointments.  If the doctor is more than 30 minutes away, that means a lot more time that he has to take off.  So now I am trying to change my group, which is easier said than done.

But, I really needed today’s appointment.  I needed the reassurance that things are going well.  I am so worried, I can’t enjoy the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant.

Plus, because there was no appointment today, that means that I will have to make another appointment, ASAP.  So Jason will miss more work.  Hopefully I can change my group, so I can see this doctor that is close to me.  I just want things to be ok, and for everything to work out.


Hello nausea!

Been feeling sick for over a week and a half now… and it just keeps getting worse.  I feel a bit better as long as I am eating CONSTANTLY!  I didn’t know I was capable of eating this much.  But as the nausea gets worse, it is harder and harder to eat anything.

I’m starving, I’m sick, I’m sore, I’m tired, my boobs are killing me…. and I’m only 5 weeks in!

As much as I hate feeling like crap, in a way I’m glad I feel like crap.  The worse I feel… well, the better the chance of a positive outcome.  I am trying really hard not to worry, to just be excited.  But it is so hard not to worry.  I thought things were going well last time.  But, last time I only made it to 9 weeks.

Must try to remain positive.  Must not worry.  I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me that everything will be ok.

Take a deep breath

My birthday was uneventful.  We went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory.  I had all of my favorite things.  And my mom babbled the ENTIRE time. Sigh

Saturday, we went out looking for hair dye.  I had had a meltdown earlier last week because I need to dye my hair, and couldn’t find the color.  Luckily, we were able to find the color… so Jason made me get 3 boxes.  We had lunch, and then we had to go to the dollar store.  My period still hadn’t showed up, and I have been feeling nauseated, among other issues.  I refuse to pay 8-10 times as much for a pee stick when I can get them at the dollar store for $1.

Sunday, we had to get up early so that we could go to Birthday Brunch.  And of course, the very first thing I did was pee… on the stick.

At first, I was trying not to look at it.  I am tired of seeing negatives.  It was probably only 1 minute that I was able to avoid looking at it.  At first, it looked like another negative.  Then I looked closer, as I was still bleary eyed from sleep.  There was a line…. faint, but there.  By the 2 minute mark… there was no denying it – POSITIVE!

2014-05-18 07.17.21

I went and told Jason… who was still mostly asleep.  His response was “huh, well, good morning to you too”.

That was not the response I wanted.

On the way to brunch, we were trying to decide if we should tell everyone at brunch.  Part of me really wants to tell everyone.  But the other part of me is terrified.  I’m filled with “What-ifs”.  I am so worried that things will turn out like last time.  I am trying not to worry, and just be happy… but that is SO FREAKING HARD!

We did end up telling everyone at brunch.  And Jason called his Mom and told her.  I haven’t told my mom, as I think she will just be negative.


Because I lost my old insurance, I can’t see my old OB/GYN.  I’m really bummed about that, as I love her.  And because I now have medi-cal, I am super limited when it comes to finding a doctor.  There is only 1 OB/GYN in Encinitas.  And, because of my epilepsy, I don’t drive, and our only car is with Jason – at work.  I called the 1 and only OB/GYN that is close.  Apparently, when you have medi-cal, you can’t just set up your first pre-natal visit.  You have to go in for a Medi-cal Mandated prelim visit.  And those are only done on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 9 am.  Which means Jason will have to take off work to take me.  But, I have no other option.  So next Tuesday, May 27, I have the prelim appointment at 9 am.

The one bonus to this early, prelim appointment is that I get to see a doctor soon.  It gives me time to make sure things are ok.  It also gives me time to go over all of my concerns.  I can bring this new doctor (or someone from his office) up to date on the back story of my last pregnancy.  The MC, the complications, the hemorrhaging.  I can also bring up the fact that I have a younger sister with Down Syndrome.  Plus, all my own medical issues – the epilepsy, the Dysautonomia, the POTS, the OCD, the everything else.  I need the reassurance.

Right now, I just need to breathe.  Take a deep breath, and relax.  Try not to worry.  Haha… good luck on that one!

The world is on fire

There have been more than 9 fires in San Diego County in the last 3 days.  And not little fires.  As I type… over 10,000 acres have burned.  Many homes and buildings have been lost.  But so far, no one has been injured.

8 fires started yesterday.  One of them, the San Marcos fire, started after 3 pm.  And right now, it is still ripping and burning away the earth.  It is currently the most severe, and is doing the most damage.  At 4:25 pm on Thursday, May 15th … it is 94 degrees outside, and 84 degrees in my house.  I live on the coast, where it never gets this hot.  Especially not in May.  July or August, maybe… but never May.  We have had record high temperatures all over San Diego the last 2 days.  This does not bode well.

While dealing with the external turmoil… I’m also dealing with my own inner turmoil.  I have been feeling nauseated every day this last week.  And starving.  The two do not go well together.  My period should have started yesterday… but it didn’t.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I’m tired of getting my hopes up, and having them dashed.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 32.  I didn’t used to care about my age.  But since the MC, I am acutely aware of my age, and what that can mean.

My birthday also brings up the realization of how few friends I seem to have.  The people that I think of as friends… apparently they don’t view me as such.  They make zero effort to do things with me.  And for my last 2 birthdays… everyone bailed.  I hosted my own parties, and no one came.  Doesn’t make me want to celebrate.  Makes me feel like shit.  This year, I am aiming low.  Talking about brunch on Sunday… in a location that is inconvenient for me, yet more convenient for my friends.  I still don’t have high hopes.

So I sit here, and watch the county burn, as there is non-stop coverage on tv.  I’m trying to ignore the status of my uterus… as I don’t trust it.  And I’m trying to feel neutral about my birthday.

Stay safe everyone!

Nothing for me

Today should have been my first Mother’s Day.  I would have probably been exhausted and busy…. but it still would have been mine.

But it’s not.

It’s a day filled with everyone posting online.  Pictures of friends with big bellies.  Pictures of friends with their children.  Breakfasts, Brunches, presents, tea parties…. I could go on and on.  Nothing for me.

Nobody acknowledges us.  The mom’s without babies.

There is a Birth Mother’s day.  It is the day before Mother’s Day.  There are ecards, and cute little images and gifs.  There is something for the mom’s who gave their children up for adoption.  I know this, because a high school friend is a Birth Mom.  And I always remember HER day.

But… nothing for me.

I don’t care if I sound selfish.  Isn’t that what today is supposed to be about, anyway?  Spoil the mom’s.  Let them have their day.  Let them do whatever they want for themselves.  Pamper them.

Well what about me?!  It’s not my fault, that at 9 weeks, her heart stopped beating.  I found out when I was 3 weeks along, so I had 6 weeks to grow very attached.  6 weeks to think about EVERYTHING.  About the future.  About my first Mother’s Day.  About all the cute little baby things.  About how I wanted to raise her, teach her…

Then *POOF*, all that was gone.

Trying to avoid the reality of this weekend

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  Feels unfair.  And only a week and a half after my would-have-been-due-date.  But, trying not to be too negative.  Hah!

Last weekend, we did end up buying a new car.  I still have mixed feelings.  We traded in my car.  The car that I bought back in 2005, with the idea of kids in mind.  MY CAR.  And we traded in Jason’s truck.  No biggie there.  But, we went from 2 cars to 1.  Which shouldn’t be a thing, but it’s a thing in my head.  It is such a visual and physical reminder that I have no freedom.

My old car.  2002 Saturn VUE  Me, and my last moments with my old car.  Jason's truck. 1995 Toyota pickup

With epilepsy… well, it limits my freedom.  I technically still have my driver’s license, because the DMV is stupid, I guess.  But, part of my epilepsy involves hallucinations, which can be very dangerous at 75 mph down the freeway.  And although I mainly have simple partial seizures, I do rarely have complex partial seizures, where I black out.  I have had a blackout while driving, and totaled the first version of my car that I bought in 2005.  So it is a huge risk to drive, and I don’t do it anymore.

When buying the new car, we had a few things in mind.  To Jason, the ONLY important thing was fuel mileage.  To me, I wanted to make sure that it was comfortable to get in and out.  I wanted to make sure we got a car that was big enough to hold my wheelchair.  And, I wanted to keep in mind that we have 10 birds, and we transport a few at a time on a regular basis.  As well as all their stuff.  I wanted to make sure the car we got had room enough for all of that.  And I repeatedly voiced those concerns to Jason, who was still focused solely on fuel mileage.

The thoughts that I didn’t voice had to do with kids.  It is such a touchy subject for me, and he is a typical guy who doesn’t think of things like that.  Like, how would this car be with a kid’s seat… will it hold a stroller… how hard would it be to get a kid in the car…?  When I bought my last car, I thought about all of those things.  So trading in my car was kind of like dismissing all my careful planning.  How can I explain to anyone that my current lack of child is totally ruining my car buying experience??  That just sounds ridiculous!


But, we ended up getting a 2012 Honda Insight.  It is a hybrid that gets 41/44 MPG.  It is an amazing blue color, almost a turquoise.  The wheelchair fits perfectly in the back…. cause it is a hatchback.  It is low to the ground, which I hate.  But, of our options, and our budget, the car is a win.

Jason and the new car

   Jason and the new car

Me and the new car

Me and the new car

Today sucks

In so many ways, today sucks.  It’s hot as hell outside.  People are being assholes on facebook (I know, I know, It’s facebook, what did I expect).  And…. today would have been my due date.

It’s that last one that makes today really suck.  It’s like ripping off a bandage, but worse.  Ripping open a scar would be a better analogy.  Just when I think I’m doing better… Nope!  Something comes along that makes me cry.  It’s not like I expect to every be “over it”, but getting to a point where I don’t cry would be nice.

It hurts in a way that is beyond words.  It’s been 6 months since the hemorrhaging, and I still fear that it will happen again.  It’s been 6 months, and I feel like my parts are broken forever.  Plus, people on facebook (I know!) dismiss me for the not Mom that I am – but they don’t know.  And EVERYONE else is pregnant.  So many pregnant people, everywhere. But not me.

Most people that know me, don’t actually know.  And no one but me is going to know that today would have been my due date.  And I can’t talk about it.  I mean, who would I talk to?  Jason doesn’t get it, and talking to him is so much less than helpful.  In fact, trying to talk to Jason makes it so much worse.  He says things on a regular basis that are so hurtful and he doesn’t even realize it. Fuck.  So I’m stuck alone in this.

I wish that I could talk about this.  I wish there were other people that would understand.  I wish I weren’t so alone in this.  I wish I knew how to make this better.