5w6d – because I just can’t think of anything else

I feel way more pregnant than I am.  I have hit the wonderful stage of bloating.  Like, I am smuggling things in my clothes, bloated.  I hate pants.  Plus, as if unimaginable bloating wasn’t bad enough, I still have all the other “fun” symptoms going on.  Nausea 24/7.  My boobs are killing me.  And I am starving, like all the time.

 

I was supposed to have my first doctors appointment today, with my new doctor.  But it didn’t happen.  Apparently, even though I gave them all my info when I made the appointment, they somehow missed the insurance info.  And, as it turns out, they don’t take my group (anymore).  So, I can either switch doctors, or switch groups.  And with my current group, there are no other doctors near me.  Minimum 30 minute drive – and I can’t drive (epilepsy), which means Jason has to take off work to take me to appointments.  If the doctor is more than 30 minutes away, that means a lot more time that he has to take off.  So now I am trying to change my group, which is easier said than done.

But, I really needed today’s appointment.  I needed the reassurance that things are going well.  I am so worried, I can’t enjoy the fact that I am, indeed, pregnant.

Plus, because there was no appointment today, that means that I will have to make another appointment, ASAP.  So Jason will miss more work.  Hopefully I can change my group, so I can see this doctor that is close to me.  I just want things to be ok, and for everything to work out.

Hello nausea!

Been feeling sick for over a week and a half now… and it just keeps getting worse.  I feel a bit better as long as I am eating CONSTANTLY!  I didn’t know I was capable of eating this much.  But as the nausea gets worse, it is harder and harder to eat anything.

I’m starving, I’m sick, I’m sore, I’m tired, my boobs are killing me…. and I’m only 5 weeks in!

As much as I hate feeling like crap, in a way I’m glad I feel like crap.  The worse I feel… well, the better the chance of a positive outcome.  I am trying really hard not to worry, to just be excited.  But it is so hard not to worry.  I thought things were going well last time.  But, last time I only made it to 9 weeks.

Must try to remain positive.  Must not worry.  I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me that everything will be ok.

Take a deep breath

My birthday was uneventful.  We went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory.  I had all of my favorite things.  And my mom babbled the ENTIRE time. Sigh

Saturday, we went out looking for hair dye.  I had had a meltdown earlier last week because I need to dye my hair, and couldn’t find the color.  Luckily, we were able to find the color… so Jason made me get 3 boxes.  We had lunch, and then we had to go to the dollar store.  My period still hadn’t showed up, and I have been feeling nauseated, among other issues.  I refuse to pay 8-10 times as much for a pee stick when I can get them at the dollar store for $1.

Sunday, we had to get up early so that we could go to Birthday Brunch.  And of course, the very first thing I did was pee… on the stick.

At first, I was trying not to look at it.  I am tired of seeing negatives.  It was probably only 1 minute that I was able to avoid looking at it.  At first, it looked like another negative.  Then I looked closer, as I was still bleary eyed from sleep.  There was a line…. faint, but there.  By the 2 minute mark… there was no denying it – POSITIVE!

I went and told Jason… who was still mostly asleep.  His response was “huh, well, good morning to you too”.

That was not the response I wanted.

On the way to brunch, we were trying to decide if we should tell everyone at brunch.  Part of me really wants to tell everyone.  But the other part of me is terrified.  I’m filled with “What-ifs”.  I am so worried that things will turn out like last time.  I am trying not to worry, and just be happy… but that is SO FREAKING HARD!

We did end up telling everyone at brunch.  And Jason called his Mom and told her.  I haven’t told my mom, as I think she will just be negative.

**********

Because I lost my old insurance, I can’t see my old OB/GYN.  I’m really bummed about that, as I love her.  And because I now have medi-cal, I am super limited when it comes to finding a doctor.  There is only 1 OB/GYN in Encinitas.  And, because of my epilepsy, I don’t drive, and our only car is with Jason – at work.  I called the 1 and only OB/GYN that is close.  Apparently, when you have medi-cal, you can’t just set up your first pre-natal visit.  You have to go in for a Medi-cal Mandated prelim visit.  And those are only done on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 9 am.  Which means Jason will have to take off work to take me.  But, I have no other option.  So next Tuesday, May 27, I have the prelim appointment at 9 am.

The one bonus to this early, prelim appointment is that I get to see a doctor soon.  It gives me time to make sure things are ok.  It also gives me time to go over all of my concerns.  I can bring this new doctor (or someone from his office) up to date on the back story of my last pregnancy.  The MC, the complications, the hemorrhaging.  I can also bring up the fact that I have a younger sister with Down Syndrome.  Plus, all my own medical issues – the epilepsy, the Dysautonomia, the POTS, the OCD, the everything else.  I need the reassurance.

Right now, I just need to breathe.  Take a deep breath, and relax.  Try not to worry.  Haha… good luck on that one!

The world is on fire

There have been more than 9 fires in San Diego County in the last 3 days.  And not little fires.  As I type… over 10,000 acres have burned.  Many homes and buildings have been lost.  But so far, no one has been injured.

8 fires started yesterday.  One of them, the San Marcos fire, started after 3 pm.  And right now, it is still ripping and burning away the earth.  It is currently the most severe, and is doing the most damage.  At 4:25 pm on Thursday, May 15th … it is 94 degrees outside, and 84 degrees in my house.  I live on the coast, where it never gets this hot.  Especially not in May.  July or August, maybe… but never May.  We have had record high temperatures all over San Diego the last 2 days.  This does not bode well.

While dealing with the external turmoil… I’m also dealing with my own inner turmoil.  I have been feeling nauseated every day this last week.  And starving.  The two do not go well together.  My period should have started yesterday… but it didn’t.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I’m tired of getting my hopes up, and having them dashed.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 32.  I didn’t used to care about my age.  But since the MC, I am acutely aware of my age, and what that can mean.

My birthday also brings up the realization of how few friends I seem to have.  The people that I think of as friends… apparently they don’t view me as such.  They make zero effort to do things with me.  And for my last 2 birthdays… everyone bailed.  I hosted my own parties, and no one came.  Doesn’t make me want to celebrate.  Makes me feel like shit.  This year, I am aiming low.  Talking about brunch on Sunday… in a location that is inconvenient for me, yet more convenient for my friends.  I still don’t have high hopes.

So I sit here, and watch the county burn, as there is non-stop coverage on tv.  I’m trying to ignore the status of my uterus… as I don’t trust it.  And I’m trying to feel neutral about my birthday.

Stay safe everyone!

Nothing for me

Today should have been my first Mother’s Day.  I would have probably been exhausted and busy…. but it still would have been mine.

But it’s not.

It’s a day filled with everyone posting online.  Pictures of friends with big bellies.  Pictures of friends with their children.  Breakfasts, Brunches, presents, tea parties…. I could go on and on.  Nothing for me.

Nobody acknowledges us.  The mom’s without babies.

There is a Birth Mother’s day.  It is the day before Mother’s Day.  There are ecards, and cute little images and gifs.  There is something for the mom’s who gave their children up for adoption.  I know this, because a high school friend is a Birth Mom.  And I always remember HER day.

But… nothing for me.

I don’t care if I sound selfish.  Isn’t that what today is supposed to be about, anyway?  Spoil the mom’s.  Let them have their day.  Let them do whatever they want for themselves.  Pamper them.

Well what about me?!  It’s not my fault, that at 9 weeks, her heart stopped beating.  I found out when I was 3 weeks along, so I had 6 weeks to grow very attached.  6 weeks to think about EVERYTHING.  About the future.  About my first Mother’s Day.  About all the cute little baby things.  About how I wanted to raise her, teach her…

Then *POOF*, all that was gone.

Trying to avoid the reality of this weekend

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  Feels unfair.  And only a week and a half after my would-have-been-due-date.  But, trying not to be too negative.  Hah!

Last weekend, we did end up buying a new car.  I still have mixed feelings.  We traded in my car.  The car that I bought back in 2005, with the idea of kids in mind.  MY CAR.  And we traded in Jason’s truck.  No biggie there.  But, we went from 2 cars to 1.  Which shouldn’t be a thing, but it’s a thing in my head.  It is such a visual and physical reminder that I have no freedom.

    

With epilepsy… well, it limits my freedom.  I technically still have my driver’s license, because the DMV is stupid, I guess.  But, part of my epilepsy involves hallucinations, which can be very dangerous at 75 mph down the freeway.  And although I mainly have simple partial seizures, I do rarely have complex partial seizures, where I black out.  I have had a blackout while driving, and totaled the first version of my car that I bought in 2005.  So it is a huge risk to drive, and I don’t do it anymore.

When buying the new car, we had a few things in mind.  To Jason, the ONLY important thing was fuel mileage.  To me, I wanted to make sure that it was comfortable to get in and out.  I wanted to make sure we got a car that was big enough to hold my wheelchair.  And, I wanted to keep in mind that we have 10 birds, and we transport a few at a time on a regular basis.  As well as all their stuff.  I wanted to make sure the car we got had room enough for all of that.  And I repeatedly voiced those concerns to Jason, who was still focused solely on fuel mileage.

The thoughts that I didn’t voice had to do with kids.  It is such a touchy subject for me, and he is a typical guy who doesn’t think of things like that.  Like, how would this car be with a kid’s seat… will it hold a stroller… how hard would it be to get a kid in the car…?  When I bought my last car, I thought about all of those things.  So trading in my car was kind of like dismissing all my careful planning.  How can I explain to anyone that my current lack of child is totally ruining my car buying experience??  That just sounds ridiculous!

**********

But, we ended up getting a 2012 Honda Insight.  It is a hybrid that gets 41/44 MPG.  It is an amazing blue color, almost a turquoise.  The wheelchair fits perfectly in the back…. cause it is a hatchback.  It is low to the ground, which I hate.  But, of our options, and our budget, the car is a win.

   Jason and the new car

Me and the new car

Today sucks

In so many ways, today sucks.  It’s hot as hell outside.  People are being assholes on facebook (I know, I know, It’s facebook, what did I expect).  And…. today would have been my due date.

It’s that last one that makes today really suck.  It’s like ripping off a bandage, but worse.  Ripping open a scar would be a better analogy.  Just when I think I’m doing better… Nope!  Something comes along that makes me cry.  It’s not like I expect to every be “over it”, but getting to a point where I don’t cry would be nice.

It hurts in a way that is beyond words.  It’s been 6 months since the hemorrhaging, and I still fear that it will happen again.  It’s been 6 months, and I feel like my parts are broken forever.  Plus, people on facebook (I know!) dismiss me for the not Mom that I am – but they don’t know.  And EVERYONE else is pregnant.  So many pregnant people, everywhere. But not me.

Most people that know me, don’t actually know.  And no one but me is going to know that today would have been my due date.  And I can’t talk about it.  I mean, who would I talk to?  Jason doesn’t get it, and talking to him is so much less than helpful.  In fact, trying to talk to Jason makes it so much worse.  He says things on a regular basis that are so hurtful and he doesn’t even realize it. Fuck.  So I’m stuck alone in this.

I wish that I could talk about this.  I wish there were other people that would understand.  I wish I weren’t so alone in this.  I wish I knew how to make this better.

Positive Things

Jason has had his new job for over a month now.  It is nice not having to panic at the thought of where we are going to get money for things we need.

I still don’t have insurance, but we are working on that.  But that is a post for another day.  And I am still waiting to hear something about the status of my disability case… but that too is a post for another day.

But I want to think of Positive things today.  Kind of a wishlists, so to speak.  With a steady income, there are a lot of things that we can now afford to get.  Things that we need, things that we have held off on getting… and some things that I just REALLY want. 🙂

One thing we really need is a new mattress. The one we got shortly after we got married was inexpensive… and, well, we are paying for it now.  I already have insomnia problems, and chronic pain, and a new mattress that is supportive could make a world of difference.  I really like the Sleep Number beds, but they are a bit pricey.  We will need to save up a bit, and figure out exactly what we want.  But I know we need something better to help me (and so I don’t wake up with random dislocated body parts) feel better and actually sleep.

Jason wants to get a new car.  I am not so sure that that is the best idea at the moment.

One of the things that I really want, and it is a want, not a need, is a pair of these AMAZING boots!  They are Dark Turquoise, knee high leather boots, made by Gipsy Dharma.  You can see them here http://www.gipsydharma.com/collections/all/products/dark-turquoise-knee-high-leather-boots  They look so comfortable, and I love the color!  With all my health issues, I have had to totally change what shoes I wear.  No more heals.  Everything has to be supportive, everything has to be “good” for my feet.  And these look like they would be perfect, yet still look amazing!  And, if I was wearing my compression sleeves under them – you wouldn’t be able to see them!

The lady who makes them runs a contest on Facebook every few weeks, giving away a pair.  I keep entering, hoping to win.  I really love all of the boots, and really want a pair, but they are very expensive.  Winning a pair would be awesome, and get me a pair a lot faster.  Other wise, it will probably be a while before I can save enough to actually order a pair.

I also would really really love to get my full back parrot wings tattoo.  It would also be very very expensive, so I would have to save up for it.  But I still want to get it.  Parrot wings, in shades of blue, purple, and green.

The most complicated post I wish I wasn’t making

It is November now.  And I think I have emotionally healed enough that I can write this all down.  By no means am I fully healed.  But writing has always been cathartic for me, so this might help the rest of the healing.  As for physical healing… I’m not, and part of me is scared that I won’t ever be.

I had been having trouble with my IUD, and it had slipped and was sitting on my cervix.  This was very very painful, and my OB/GYN removed it back in July.  We wanted to let things “calm down” before trying a new IUD, or trying to find a new BC option.  With my epilepsy meds, I can’t use any kind of hormonal based BC.  The meds cancel each other out.  So, when I went back to my doctor in late August, to discuss BC options, we were pretty much set on another IUD.  But instead, we found out I was pregnant.

With Jason not working, and unable to get anyone to hire him… this news caused a lot of stress.  There really wasn’t much joy or excitement.  Just lots of discussions on money – or the lack there of – and work, and how would we be able to do this, etc.  I was super sick and nauseated, and hardly able to eat.

I never got the chance to have the happy, excited, joyous part.  When I went for my first ultrasound and appointment, things didn’t go well.  I was 9 weeks exactly, but there was no heartbeat.  Everything was just as it was supposed to be, except no fucking heartbeat.  I could even see the little spine on the screen.  The doctor said that it was a recent occurrence – like in the last 24 hours, most likely.  Rather than wait for the inevitable, I opted for the surgical procedure 2 days later.  At that time, my doctor would give me my new IUD too.

Everything went fine during the procedure, except for the nurse who decided I needed lidocain in my hand before placing an IV.  She used the lidocain with preservatives (the stuff I’m allergic to), so I had a big swollen itchy spot that hurt like hell.

Afterwards, I had some minor bleeding, as one would expect.  But spotting and such continued every single day.  Then, 27 days later, I had massive flowing bleeding that landed me in the hospital.  The details are horrific – my bathroom could have posed for a crime scene on CSI, 3 pairs of pants & 4 pairs of underwear needed to be soaked and washed with oxyclean, 1 pair of underwear did NOT survive the ordeal, and I lost several pints of blood in one evening.  My OB/GYN was the on-call doctor, so she took care of me.  She removed my IUD, and by some miracle got the bleeding to stop.  We still don’t know exactly what caused it in the first place.

A few days after I was in the hospital, bleeding had stopped.  I was so relieved.  Then, last Saturday, we went to a small party at a friend’s house.  I was up and around, walking and standing.  Nothing strenuous.  When we got home, I discovered I had started bleeding again.  Not the massive flow kind, but more your standard period kind.  As days passed, it slowed and tapered off.  Now, Yesterday, 2 weeks after hospitalization, we had to run errands.  Bleeding has started yet again.

I feel like this is some horrible nightmare that I can’t escape from.  Isn’t it bad enough that I suddenly lost the pregnancy??  Why do I need to keep suffering through all the rest of this too?  And because this is such a taboo topic for so many people, and we didn’t really tell anyone that I was pregnant, there isn’t anyone to talk to.  I can’t vent about it.  I can’t tell people to shut the fuck up about their stupid little problems.  I can’t explain why I am angry or sad.  I can’t explain why I’m distant or why I don’t give a shit.  And to be completely honest, I want some fucking sympathy.

I have also had a migraine for 3 weeks now.  Plus, as soon as the procedure was over, all my POTS symptoms have come back with a vengeance.  They have been so bad that I ended up in urgent care twice in October.  My BP has been so low – 90/57, 88/63, 91/62… numbers like that.  Right now, life is so crappy.  I want to yell and scream and throw a tantrum.  It isn’t fair.

When will it get better?

I was really, truly hoping that 2013 would be better than last year.  So far, it is NOT living up to my expectations.

I got denied for Disability.  Not a huge surprise; but I was hoping that just maybe it would be easy.  Got my lawyer, and now things are in his hands.  I trust him, and he is great.  So we are back to just waiting, and waiting, and waiting…

Finger is still fucked.  Still doing PT.  Still have zero use of the two upper joints.  And the upper joint to the tip of my finger is completely numb and useless.  I can’t pick anything up, or do anything with it.  Not even type.  I have been doing PT 3x a week since December, and that part of my finger is showing no improvement.  Another appointment with the Orthopedist on March 13th, where I am sure he will just continue PT… but I am disappointed with how things are going.

Epilepsy has gotten worse.  The sun has become my worst trigger.  I look like a female “goth” version of the Unibomber when I go outside.  Super dark glasses, something covering my head, and part of my face… and I often wear it indoors too.  In places with bright lights.  I was wearing my own creative solution for dark glasses… 2 pairs fixed together.  They didn’t look good, and I got lots of odd looks, and they weren’t super comfortable, but at least I could leave the house without seizures, migraines, and vomiting.  But then my friend Evan pointed me in the direction of a website that sells safety glasses, welding glasses/goggles, and sunglasses.  I was thrilled to find several pairs of glasses that work perfectly!  And they were cheap!  One pair was about $6, the other around $9.  and shipping was cheap too.  So Evan is my hero!  And SafetyGlassesUSA.com is my second hero, and everyone should check them out!

I now have a Cardiologist.  My heart rate is too fast, and irregular.  However, my blood pressure is on the very low end of normal.  I had to wear a Holter monitor for 24 hours to record my heart rate, and my average heart rate was 94.  The lowest was mid 80’s, and the highs were over 100.  I have to go in for an echo, just to make sure there isn’t anything wrong.  They can’t give me any medications for my heart rate, as they would also lower my blood pressure, which would cause me to pass out… a lot.

I’m also having a lot of issues with people who I though were friends.  People seem to always assume the worst of me.  I was trying to be helpful, as I was concerned for others, yet it was interpreted as a malicious act.  My bank card numbers were stolen.  Got it fixed quickly, no problem.  But then, in talking to friends online, I learned that 3 of my “bird friends” also had their card numbers stolen in the same week.  Now that seems more than coincidental.  especially since I rarely use my card – in fact, I have only used my card at 3 places online, ever.  And never at a restaurant, or retail stores.  I know that 2 of those 3 friends shop at a certain online bird store, one that I also use, and that is one of the places I have used my card.  I consider the store owner a friend.  I was concerned.  Not just for the store owner, but for my other bird friends  that shop online.  I know that not everyone checks their online banking statements the way I do.

Instead of people being appreciative for the heads up, I was attacked and vilified.  For “making accusations”  and trying to ruin her business.  For spreading rumors.  For being malicious.  For not contacting her personally.  But the thing is, I did contact her personally!!  I sent her a message right away.  The biggest issue is that these people don’t understand how hacking works, and they won’t listen to me because they have all decided that I am the bad guy.  Not a single person came to my defense.  NO ONE.  But there were a whole truckload that came to attack me.  I guess I should just accept the fact that people don’t like me, and stop trying to be friends with them.

It’s like how I am trying to get help with planning something for Jason’s 40th birthday, and Shannan-Jo’s birthday.  I get no responses, no help.  Who are my friends?  who can I trust?  It’s times like this, where the stress of all my health issues, plus the obvious fact that I don’t REALLY have any friends, that just makes me want to give up on life.