Take a deep breath

My birthday was uneventful.  We went to dinner at The Cheesecake Factory.  I had all of my favorite things.  And my mom babbled the ENTIRE time. Sigh

Saturday, we went out looking for hair dye.  I had had a meltdown earlier last week because I need to dye my hair, and couldn’t find the color.  Luckily, we were able to find the color… so Jason made me get 3 boxes.  We had lunch, and then we had to go to the dollar store.  My period still hadn’t showed up, and I have been feeling nauseated, among other issues.  I refuse to pay 8-10 times as much for a pee stick when I can get them at the dollar store for $1.

Sunday, we had to get up early so that we could go to Birthday Brunch.  And of course, the very first thing I did was pee… on the stick.

At first, I was trying not to look at it.  I am tired of seeing negatives.  It was probably only 1 minute that I was able to avoid looking at it.  At first, it looked like another negative.  Then I looked closer, as I was still bleary eyed from sleep.  There was a line…. faint, but there.  By the 2 minute mark… there was no denying it – POSITIVE!

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I went and told Jason… who was still mostly asleep.  His response was “huh, well, good morning to you too”.

That was not the response I wanted.

On the way to brunch, we were trying to decide if we should tell everyone at brunch.  Part of me really wants to tell everyone.  But the other part of me is terrified.  I’m filled with “What-ifs”.  I am so worried that things will turn out like last time.  I am trying not to worry, and just be happy… but that is SO FREAKING HARD!

We did end up telling everyone at brunch.  And Jason called his Mom and told her.  I haven’t told my mom, as I think she will just be negative.


Because I lost my old insurance, I can’t see my old OB/GYN.  I’m really bummed about that, as I love her.  And because I now have medi-cal, I am super limited when it comes to finding a doctor.  There is only 1 OB/GYN in Encinitas.  And, because of my epilepsy, I don’t drive, and our only car is with Jason – at work.  I called the 1 and only OB/GYN that is close.  Apparently, when you have medi-cal, you can’t just set up your first pre-natal visit.  You have to go in for a Medi-cal Mandated prelim visit.  And those are only done on Tuesdays and Thursdays, at 9 am.  Which means Jason will have to take off work to take me.  But, I have no other option.  So next Tuesday, May 27, I have the prelim appointment at 9 am.

The one bonus to this early, prelim appointment is that I get to see a doctor soon.  It gives me time to make sure things are ok.  It also gives me time to go over all of my concerns.  I can bring this new doctor (or someone from his office) up to date on the back story of my last pregnancy.  The MC, the complications, the hemorrhaging.  I can also bring up the fact that I have a younger sister with Down Syndrome.  Plus, all my own medical issues – the epilepsy, the Dysautonomia, the POTS, the OCD, the everything else.  I need the reassurance.

Right now, I just need to breathe.  Take a deep breath, and relax.  Try not to worry.  Haha… good luck on that one!


The world is on fire

There have been more than 9 fires in San Diego County in the last 3 days.  And not little fires.  As I type… over 10,000 acres have burned.  Many homes and buildings have been lost.  But so far, no one has been injured.

8 fires started yesterday.  One of them, the San Marcos fire, started after 3 pm.  And right now, it is still ripping and burning away the earth.  It is currently the most severe, and is doing the most damage.  At 4:25 pm on Thursday, May 15th … it is 94 degrees outside, and 84 degrees in my house.  I live on the coast, where it never gets this hot.  Especially not in May.  July or August, maybe… but never May.  We have had record high temperatures all over San Diego the last 2 days.  This does not bode well.

While dealing with the external turmoil… I’m also dealing with my own inner turmoil.  I have been feeling nauseated every day this last week.  And starving.  The two do not go well together.  My period should have started yesterday… but it didn’t.  I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I’m tired of getting my hopes up, and having them dashed.

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I will be 32.  I didn’t used to care about my age.  But since the MC, I am acutely aware of my age, and what that can mean.

My birthday also brings up the realization of how few friends I seem to have.  The people that I think of as friends… apparently they don’t view me as such.  They make zero effort to do things with me.  And for my last 2 birthdays… everyone bailed.  I hosted my own parties, and no one came.  Doesn’t make me want to celebrate.  Makes me feel like shit.  This year, I am aiming low.  Talking about brunch on Sunday… in a location that is inconvenient for me, yet more convenient for my friends.  I still don’t have high hopes.

So I sit here, and watch the county burn, as there is non-stop coverage on tv.  I’m trying to ignore the status of my uterus… as I don’t trust it.  And I’m trying to feel neutral about my birthday.

Stay safe everyone!