Today sucks

In so many ways, today sucks.  It’s hot as hell outside.  People are being assholes on facebook (I know, I know, It’s facebook, what did I expect).  And…. today would have been my due date.

It’s that last one that makes today really suck.  It’s like ripping off a bandage, but worse.  Ripping open a scar would be a better analogy.  Just when I think I’m doing better… Nope!  Something comes along that makes me cry.  It’s not like I expect to every be “over it”, but getting to a point where I don’t cry would be nice.

It hurts in a way that is beyond words.  It’s been 6 months since the hemorrhaging, and I still fear that it will happen again.  It’s been 6 months, and I feel like my parts are broken forever.  Plus, people on facebook (I know!) dismiss me for the not Mom that I am – but they don’t know.  And EVERYONE else is pregnant.  So many pregnant people, everywhere. But not me.

Most people that know me, don’t actually know.  And no one but me is going to know that today would have been my due date.  And I can’t talk about it.  I mean, who would I talk to?  Jason doesn’t get it, and talking to him is so much less than helpful.  In fact, trying to talk to Jason makes it so much worse.  He says things on a regular basis that are so hurtful and he doesn’t even realize it. Fuck.  So I’m stuck alone in this.

I wish that I could talk about this.  I wish there were other people that would understand.  I wish I weren’t so alone in this.  I wish I knew how to make this better.


Positive Things

Jason has had his new job for over a month now.  It is nice not having to panic at the thought of where we are going to get money for things we need.

I still don’t have insurance, but we are working on that.  But that is a post for another day.  And I am still waiting to hear something about the status of my disability case… but that too is a post for another day.

But I want to think of Positive things today.  Kind of a wishlists, so to speak.  With a steady income, there are a lot of things that we can now afford to get.  Things that we need, things that we have held off on getting… and some things that I just REALLY want. 🙂

One thing we really need is a new mattress. The one we got shortly after we got married was inexpensive… and, well, we are paying for it now.  I already have insomnia problems, and chronic pain, and a new mattress that is supportive could make a world of difference.  I really like the Sleep Number beds, but they are a bit pricey.  We will need to save up a bit, and figure out exactly what we want.  But I know we need something better to help me (and so I don’t wake up with random dislocated body parts) feel better and actually sleep.

Jason wants to get a new car.  I am not so sure that that is the best idea at the moment.

One of the things that I really want, and it is a want, not a need, is a pair of these AMAZING boots!  They are Dark Turquoise, knee high leather boots, made by Gipsy Dharma.  You can see them here  They look so comfortable, and I love the color!  With all my health issues, I have had to totally change what shoes I wear.  No more heals.  Everything has to be supportive, everything has to be “good” for my feet.  And these look like they would be perfect, yet still look amazing!  And, if I was wearing my compression sleeves under them – you wouldn’t be able to see them!

The lady who makes them runs a contest on Facebook every few weeks, giving away a pair.  I keep entering, hoping to win.  I really love all of the boots, and really want a pair, but they are very expensive.  Winning a pair would be awesome, and get me a pair a lot faster.  Other wise, it will probably be a while before I can save enough to actually order a pair.

I also would really really love to get my full back parrot wings tattoo.  It would also be very very expensive, so I would have to save up for it.  But I still want to get it.  Parrot wings, in shades of blue, purple, and green.