In so many ways, today sucks. It’s hot as hell outside. People are being assholes on facebook (I know, I know, It’s facebook, what did I expect). And…. today would have been my due date.
It’s that last one that makes today really suck. It’s like ripping off a bandage, but worse. Ripping open a scar would be a better analogy. Just when I think I’m doing better… Nope! Something comes along that makes me cry. It’s not like I expect to every be “over it”, but getting to a point where I don’t cry would be nice.
It hurts in a way that is beyond words. It’s been 6 months since the hemorrhaging, and I still fear that it will happen again. It’s been 6 months, and I feel like my parts are broken forever. Plus, people on facebook (I know!) dismiss me for the not Mom that I am – but they don’t know. And EVERYONE else is pregnant. So many pregnant people, everywhere. But not me.
Most people that know me, don’t actually know. And no one but me is going to know that today would have been my due date. And I can’t talk about it. I mean, who would I talk to? Jason doesn’t get it, and talking to him is so much less than helpful. In fact, trying to talk to Jason makes it so much worse. He says things on a regular basis that are so hurtful and he doesn’t even realize it. Fuck. So I’m stuck alone in this.
I wish that I could talk about this. I wish there were other people that would understand. I wish I weren’t so alone in this. I wish I knew how to make this better.