Nothing for me

Today should have been my first Mother’s Day.  I would have probably been exhausted and busy…. but it still would have been mine.

But it’s not.

It’s a day filled with everyone posting online.  Pictures of friends with big bellies.  Pictures of friends with their children.  Breakfasts, Brunches, presents, tea parties…. I could go on and on.  Nothing for me.

Nobody acknowledges us.  The mom’s without babies.

There is a Birth Mother’s day.  It is the day before Mother’s Day.  There are ecards, and cute little images and gifs.  There is something for the mom’s who gave their children up for adoption.  I know this, because a high school friend is a Birth Mom.  And I always remember HER day.

But… nothing for me.

I don’t care if I sound selfish.  Isn’t that what today is supposed to be about, anyway?  Spoil the mom’s.  Let them have their day.  Let them do whatever they want for themselves.  Pamper them.

Well what about me?!  It’s not my fault, that at 9 weeks, her heart stopped beating.  I found out when I was 3 weeks along, so I had 6 weeks to grow very attached.  6 weeks to think about EVERYTHING.  About the future.  About my first Mother’s Day.  About all the cute little baby things.  About how I wanted to raise her, teach her…

Then *POOF*, all that was gone.

Trying to avoid the reality of this weekend

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  Feels unfair.  And only a week and a half after my would-have-been-due-date.  But, trying not to be too negative.  Hah!

Last weekend, we did end up buying a new car.  I still have mixed feelings.  We traded in my car.  The car that I bought back in 2005, with the idea of kids in mind.  MY CAR.  And we traded in Jason’s truck.  No biggie there.  But, we went from 2 cars to 1.  Which shouldn’t be a thing, but it’s a thing in my head.  It is such a visual and physical reminder that I have no freedom.

My old car.  2002 Saturn VUE  Me, and my last moments with my old car.  Jason's truck. 1995 Toyota pickup

With epilepsy… well, it limits my freedom.  I technically still have my driver’s license, because the DMV is stupid, I guess.  But, part of my epilepsy involves hallucinations, which can be very dangerous at 75 mph down the freeway.  And although I mainly have simple partial seizures, I do rarely have complex partial seizures, where I black out.  I have had a blackout while driving, and totaled the first version of my car that I bought in 2005.  So it is a huge risk to drive, and I don’t do it anymore.

When buying the new car, we had a few things in mind.  To Jason, the ONLY important thing was fuel mileage.  To me, I wanted to make sure that it was comfortable to get in and out.  I wanted to make sure we got a car that was big enough to hold my wheelchair.  And, I wanted to keep in mind that we have 10 birds, and we transport a few at a time on a regular basis.  As well as all their stuff.  I wanted to make sure the car we got had room enough for all of that.  And I repeatedly voiced those concerns to Jason, who was still focused solely on fuel mileage.

The thoughts that I didn’t voice had to do with kids.  It is such a touchy subject for me, and he is a typical guy who doesn’t think of things like that.  Like, how would this car be with a kid’s seat… will it hold a stroller… how hard would it be to get a kid in the car…?  When I bought my last car, I thought about all of those things.  So trading in my car was kind of like dismissing all my careful planning.  How can I explain to anyone that my current lack of child is totally ruining my car buying experience??  That just sounds ridiculous!

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But, we ended up getting a 2012 Honda Insight.  It is a hybrid that gets 41/44 MPG.  It is an amazing blue color, almost a turquoise.  The wheelchair fits perfectly in the back…. cause it is a hatchback.  It is low to the ground, which I hate.  But, of our options, and our budget, the car is a win.

Jason and the new car

   Jason and the new car

Me and the new car

Me and the new car

Today sucks

In so many ways, today sucks.  It’s hot as hell outside.  People are being assholes on facebook (I know, I know, It’s facebook, what did I expect).  And…. today would have been my due date.

It’s that last one that makes today really suck.  It’s like ripping off a bandage, but worse.  Ripping open a scar would be a better analogy.  Just when I think I’m doing better… Nope!  Something comes along that makes me cry.  It’s not like I expect to every be “over it”, but getting to a point where I don’t cry would be nice.

It hurts in a way that is beyond words.  It’s been 6 months since the hemorrhaging, and I still fear that it will happen again.  It’s been 6 months, and I feel like my parts are broken forever.  Plus, people on facebook (I know!) dismiss me for the not Mom that I am – but they don’t know.  And EVERYONE else is pregnant.  So many pregnant people, everywhere. But not me.

Most people that know me, don’t actually know.  And no one but me is going to know that today would have been my due date.  And I can’t talk about it.  I mean, who would I talk to?  Jason doesn’t get it, and talking to him is so much less than helpful.  In fact, trying to talk to Jason makes it so much worse.  He says things on a regular basis that are so hurtful and he doesn’t even realize it. Fuck.  So I’m stuck alone in this.

I wish that I could talk about this.  I wish there were other people that would understand.  I wish I weren’t so alone in this.  I wish I knew how to make this better.