Nothing for me

Today should have been my first Mother’s Day.  I would have probably been exhausted and busy…. but it still would have been mine.

But it’s not.

It’s a day filled with everyone posting online.  Pictures of friends with big bellies.  Pictures of friends with their children.  Breakfasts, Brunches, presents, tea parties…. I could go on and on.  Nothing for me.

Nobody acknowledges us.  The mom’s without babies.

There is a Birth Mother’s day.  It is the day before Mother’s Day.  There are ecards, and cute little images and gifs.  There is something for the mom’s who gave their children up for adoption.  I know this, because a high school friend is a Birth Mom.  And I always remember HER day.

But… nothing for me.

I don’t care if I sound selfish.  Isn’t that what today is supposed to be about, anyway?  Spoil the mom’s.  Let them have their day.  Let them do whatever they want for themselves.  Pamper them.

Well what about me?!  It’s not my fault, that at 9 weeks, her heart stopped beating.  I found out when I was 3 weeks along, so I had 6 weeks to grow very attached.  6 weeks to think about EVERYTHING.  About the future.  About my first Mother’s Day.  About all the cute little baby things.  About how I wanted to raise her, teach her…

Then *POOF*, all that was gone.

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Today sucks

In so many ways, today sucks.  It’s hot as hell outside.  People are being assholes on facebook (I know, I know, It’s facebook, what did I expect).  And…. today would have been my due date.

It’s that last one that makes today really suck.  It’s like ripping off a bandage, but worse.  Ripping open a scar would be a better analogy.  Just when I think I’m doing better… Nope!  Something comes along that makes me cry.  It’s not like I expect to every be “over it”, but getting to a point where I don’t cry would be nice.

It hurts in a way that is beyond words.  It’s been 6 months since the hemorrhaging, and I still fear that it will happen again.  It’s been 6 months, and I feel like my parts are broken forever.  Plus, people on facebook (I know!) dismiss me for the not Mom that I am – but they don’t know.  And EVERYONE else is pregnant.  So many pregnant people, everywhere. But not me.

Most people that know me, don’t actually know.  And no one but me is going to know that today would have been my due date.  And I can’t talk about it.  I mean, who would I talk to?  Jason doesn’t get it, and talking to him is so much less than helpful.  In fact, trying to talk to Jason makes it so much worse.  He says things on a regular basis that are so hurtful and he doesn’t even realize it. Fuck.  So I’m stuck alone in this.

I wish that I could talk about this.  I wish there were other people that would understand.  I wish I weren’t so alone in this.  I wish I knew how to make this better.

The most complicated post I wish I wasn’t making

It is November now.  And I think I have emotionally healed enough that I can write this all down.  By no means am I fully healed.  But writing has always been cathartic for me, so this might help the rest of the healing.  As for physical healing… I’m not, and part of me is scared that I won’t ever be.

I had been having trouble with my IUD, and it had slipped and was sitting on my cervix.  This was very very painful, and my OB/GYN removed it back in July.  We wanted to let things “calm down” before trying a new IUD, or trying to find a new BC option.  With my epilepsy meds, I can’t use any kind of hormonal based BC.  The meds cancel each other out.  So, when I went back to my doctor in late August, to discuss BC options, we were pretty much set on another IUD.  But instead, we found out I was pregnant.

With Jason not working, and unable to get anyone to hire him… this news caused a lot of stress.  There really wasn’t much joy or excitement.  Just lots of discussions on money – or the lack there of – and work, and how would we be able to do this, etc.  I was super sick and nauseated, and hardly able to eat.

I never got the chance to have the happy, excited, joyous part.  When I went for my first ultrasound and appointment, things didn’t go well.  I was 9 weeks exactly, but there was no heartbeat.  Everything was just as it was supposed to be, except no fucking heartbeat.  I could even see the little spine on the screen.  The doctor said that it was a recent occurrence – like in the last 24 hours, most likely.  Rather than wait for the inevitable, I opted for the surgical procedure 2 days later.  At that time, my doctor would give me my new IUD too.

Everything went fine during the procedure, except for the nurse who decided I needed lidocain in my hand before placing an IV.  She used the lidocain with preservatives (the stuff I’m allergic to), so I had a big swollen itchy spot that hurt like hell.

Afterwards, I had some minor bleeding, as one would expect.  But spotting and such continued every single day.  Then, 27 days later, I had massive flowing bleeding that landed me in the hospital.  The details are horrific – my bathroom could have posed for a crime scene on CSI, 3 pairs of pants & 4 pairs of underwear needed to be soaked and washed with oxyclean, 1 pair of underwear did NOT survive the ordeal, and I lost several pints of blood in one evening.  My OB/GYN was the on-call doctor, so she took care of me.  She removed my IUD, and by some miracle got the bleeding to stop.  We still don’t know exactly what caused it in the first place.

A few days after I was in the hospital, bleeding had stopped.  I was so relieved.  Then, last Saturday, we went to a small party at a friend’s house.  I was up and around, walking and standing.  Nothing strenuous.  When we got home, I discovered I had started bleeding again.  Not the massive flow kind, but more your standard period kind.  As days passed, it slowed and tapered off.  Now, Yesterday, 2 weeks after hospitalization, we had to run errands.  Bleeding has started yet again.

I feel like this is some horrible nightmare that I can’t escape from.  Isn’t it bad enough that I suddenly lost the pregnancy??  Why do I need to keep suffering through all the rest of this too?  And because this is such a taboo topic for so many people, and we didn’t really tell anyone that I was pregnant, there isn’t anyone to talk to.  I can’t vent about it.  I can’t tell people to shut the fuck up about their stupid little problems.  I can’t explain why I am angry or sad.  I can’t explain why I’m distant or why I don’t give a shit.  And to be completely honest, I want some fucking sympathy.

I have also had a migraine for 3 weeks now.  Plus, as soon as the procedure was over, all my POTS symptoms have come back with a vengeance.  They have been so bad that I ended up in urgent care twice in October.  My BP has been so low – 90/57, 88/63, 91/62… numbers like that.  Right now, life is so crappy.  I want to yell and scream and throw a tantrum.  It isn’t fair.